“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I only treason on days ending in y
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.