@TheHyyyype

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

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@ddsmidt

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

@Havish_AF

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

@thepunningman

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

@ToxicProbably

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

@skittle624

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

@jenyb4

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

@Laser_Cat

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

@coalslag

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

@bornmiserable

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

@UnFitz

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.