[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *