#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again