Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
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People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.