Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
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I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.