hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
*starts eating them*
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My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.