Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.