@Robert_Craig

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

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@Jez1

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@SlabBaconBP

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

@Shade510

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

@Token_Geezer

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

@1Happytwit

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

@_wangwe

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.