Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
*starts eating them*
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.