hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.


Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.


I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”


me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?



Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.


Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly


I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.


There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.