Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

felt that

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Okay, I’m still confused…

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.