Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?