[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Strangers have the best candy.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.