Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
For the orator and chef in all of us
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Match dot com, but for socks.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
The struggle is real.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”