[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
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My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.