[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
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next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick