HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
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Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Haha good job!!
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed