Hilarious if literal: arms race
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.