Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
You Might Also Like
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”