HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
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*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.