HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president


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Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.


People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”


She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.


I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”


Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.


I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.


Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.


Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.


My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness


“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife