Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
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Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Dear Lord..
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please