HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Don’t touch that.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
When libraries troll their patrons.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.