[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
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escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.