Him: 馃幎 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 馃幎
Her: Please don鈥檛 sing to it when you are down there
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Miss Piggy鈥檚 karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
You can鈥檛 scare me. You鈥檙e not my child telling me that she鈥檚 tidied my bedroom and that there鈥檚 a surprise..
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I鈥檝e been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he鈥檚 falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
If snails are so slow, why don鈥檛 we ever see them coming? It鈥檚 just BAM, there鈥檚 a snail.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I鈥檓 a quick thinker you know.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.