Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
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I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”