Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
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Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
HOW DARE YOU