him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?