Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I hope they boil the right one.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.