Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
You Might Also Like
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
termite twitter scares me
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.