Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
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I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs