Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
You Might Also Like
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.