HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
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I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma