Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
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I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Always a metermaid never a meter
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.