@SufficientCharm

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

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@sofarrsogud

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

@RxitWounds

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

@capnwatsisname

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

@MiahSaint

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@petemandik

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

@roastmalone_

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

@vladchoc

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

@Tmoney68

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

@bridger_w

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of