Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

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What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?


Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*


Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.


Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.


I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.


there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse


Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.


Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.


At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of