Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
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COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
No. YOU-buprofen.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.