him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
You Might Also Like
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”