Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
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Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
the composer
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry