Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
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Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.