Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
*updates tinder bio*
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later