him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
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Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Welcome
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.