Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
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Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
The best shot in the history of golf
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
won’t smith
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
This is the one
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.