Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
the #horror is real!
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?