him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
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At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*