Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Air conditioning – not a fan
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.