him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News