Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

Mistakes were made

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.