HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive