Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
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[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks