Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Baller is short for ballerina
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
secret recipe
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
*puts words between two asterisks*
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”