Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
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There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden