Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Florida be like…
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish