Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.