Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
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Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours