Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
![]()
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
😭😭😭😭
![]()
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
what the hell girl, sure
![]()
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My bank account just slapped me three times and said “get ahold of yourself”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
![]()
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.