Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
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one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Autocarrot sucks!
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Breaking news:
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Ok, but like, how married are you?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”