@FlyJ_

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

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@Home_Halfway

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

@Kristen_Arnett

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

@xlpaws

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

@murrman5

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

@HenpeckedHal

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

@Cheeseboy22

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@mommajessiec

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

@bourgeoisalien

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?