Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
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[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
couldn’t resist
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
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